Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to screw
Mum, after the service, in the gents' loo.
It's artistic, intrinsic and can't be learnt,
your father's installation: 'My Arsehole's Burnt'.
Mum's bum is hosting a charity Antiques Roadshow Fuck Tournament,
In which blokes compete by inserting unusual artworks and ornaments.
Dad's proposed "learner lingerie" range for Victoria's Secret,
Hasn't moved past the "early discussion stage" yet.
Blokes, alarmed mum might be going "off the boil",
Urgently airdrop in a load of dog-soil.
Oh for goodness sake, not another,
Hardcore pornographic film starring your mother.
In the nineties, mum thought that someone could still 'build a birdhouse' in her soul;
But now her bad bum is permanently set to poolip status : 'salad bowl'.
Your dad's suffered a lifetime of appalling ill health;
Due, in part, to continually going to the toilet on himself.
Dad's whistling a tune by ed sheeran,
Eyeing up toddlers, trying to spot a queer 'un.
in the gents last night, I could barely hear myself wipe, over the sound from the next cubicle: your mother bellowing "DESTROY MY SHITPIPE!!"
