'I'm re-enacting the legend of Danaë'
Screams Mum from the middle of a huge bearded bloke's piss-spray
Drive a industrial thresher up my bum
It's as if it's mum's spiritual calling,
For her to spend her evenings in the bogs, undertaking sexual acts that are uniquely appalling.
Dad's having a wank (but firing blanks),
Over his poster collection of Matt LeBlanc.
Dad's experiencing a burning sense of spiritual malaise;
After days in the bogs squirting 'turdis mayonnaise'.
One would have thought mum wouldn't have so aggressively whore'd;
Immediately after slopping you out in the bin of the maternity ward.
The phrase 'like a ship coming into port' might sound metaphorical or euphemistic,
But in 1914 (prior to it sinking) your great-grandmother was actually fucked by the Titanic.
Mum's just hoping for a dogshit-filled stocking,
And 80 or 90 Santas to deliver a good hard cocking.
No bogs-bloke has ever complained
Of leaving Mum’s sessions with balls undrained.
Look, you've fucking missed a bit!
I want to be completely covered in shit.
